The more I question why this is a good idea, the more I slip into the mindset that it is. Somewhat a numbing constant drone of past discrepancies that are replaying constantly in my guilt and mold infested sense of which the fuck am I? What the fuck have I done? Maybe I am just constantly attention seeking, maybe all I wanted was attention, if that would have sorted it out, Why the fuck did I ever trust myself to tell people how I really felt? And what could they have done anyway? Made me feel as if it was ok to be in pieces, accept me for who I was, even I can’t do that, if I can’t forgive myself- how can they? I have screwed with far too many people to have any to turn too. I want to rip it all out, rip out my brain, and not have to think. Cause its all that’s on my mind. My secrets and my regrets, my constant wants to say goodbye so I won’t have too next time. My want to spend every second sharing my life with someone who can live with the fact that I don’t get anything anymore. They don’t click and my mind can’t make sense of the world.
I have lost the empathy that I once cared more about more then anything. I was given every chance to ask for help, but all I did was sit there and toy with the idea in my mind. I could have had the world, could have had anything if I just put effort into it. But im just tired this time and there’s no one left to carry me over the water. I should have asked you when you were there, and not just pretended to listen and get better; leaving me with this pain just behind my eyes that’s worse then any physical pain I have ever had. I can’t drift back into my head anymore, my imagination is polluted with false hopes and distant memories of actual happiness, not manic energy that is portrayed as happiness and the knowing that im going to fall head over heals into this pit of utter despair, where nothing will go right, where every second is a second too long. And all that’s left is to say fuck you to every person who told me I wasn’t worth it- that I didn’t care, that i did it only for me because I wish I had. Because I didn’t do it for me, I did it too prove I could, then once that had happened- There was no need anymore. Im pathetic, I most likely won’t even go through with it, I can’t even decide to end it and stick to it. But I cant go on like this, going to get qualifications that I wouldn’t know where to go with. Another waste, all gone to pot, im my own worst enemy. Im sick of feeling this way, im suffocating. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t even want to know.
Iv had more chances then anyone, more support then anyone, and im just basically giving them all the finger, and im sorry about that. I actually am sorry. Im sorry for every last time I made you question yourself, because none of you are at fault here, remember that, not one other person. It was me.
All the love that is left to give
Adam
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